Tearin' Up My Heart
by Ryuen1 n' Zap Mama
Summary: [SenRu] My first songfic! ^_^ Pls. R&R ::Sendoh's having a hard time confessing his true feelings to a certain Ice Kid.... {' You can’t dictate your heart who to love, right? I certainly did not. }


Tearin' Up My Heart

**Author: Ryuen snash013@yahoo.com**

**Genre:** Angst/Drama/General  [I dunno really if this'll be 'angsty' enough- I'll try though… *smug grin*]

**Rating:** PG

**Pairing:** SenRu

**A/N:** Hiya there! *waves* Yup, Ryuen here… _{pronounced as 'Riyuwen'}_ Ack, I know, I'm such a d*mbass for 'stating' that, I mean, of course you know exactly how to pronounced that, ne?! Ehehe, forgive me minna, juz wanna add some 'whatever' to my 'A/N' aka 'My Crap'-^-^- So, y'might actually be 101% familiar with the title of this fic here, yup- its actually a songfic, and if my memory serves me right, this is actually my ever-first songfic! *throws a fist in the air* […honestly I've tried writing some songfics before, but unfortunately- due to lack of sufficient inspiration, I trashed my 'crap' away *sighs*] But, hey it's a bit different by now, I mean… well, I was studying one lazy afternoon in my room- and then, I suddenly popped in my N'Sync CD [their 1st album, that is] Ergh, and yess… I have been their 'fan' before *sticks her tongue out* yeah, I know… kill me for liking a boy band, but then, everyone has also been quite attached to their songs especially this 'one' here… quite perky, eh?! I mean… I guess its been one of my all-time-favies so… ehehe! ^_^ Going back… uhm, as I was saying, I was studying [heh, the world must be ending- ME?! Studying?! 0.o?!],while listening to their song and then suddenly… POOF!!!! Yup, a sick idea went fuzzing inside my brain like some sort of a neurosyphilis! –lolz-  ^0^ And so, I hurriedly opened my PC, left my pathetic book on my bed and started typing this crap… Oh well, enough with the jabbers… let's get it going, shall we?! Hope you'll like this one here… Uh, and one more thingy… this is for all the SenRu authors, fans, and of course… for me, myself, and I! *winks* Ja! ^_^ [Oopps, anou… please excuse the 'word' **girl** w/in the song, yeah… I know… and this is supposed to be a *yaoi* fic… indeed it *is* a yaoi fic… uhm, though I'm dying to change the word 'girl' to 'boy'… I cant, I'll ruin the entire song for good-worst is, someone might sue me… that's bad, im just an ordinary and poor girl… it'll be best if we'll just get on with the entire 'song/stuff'- ne'er mind much that lyrics… as the author of this fic, I'll try my best to bring out what's inside my heart, ne minna?! Arigatou so much! ^_^] Ow, and b4 I forget, this is based on Sendoh's POV!

**.:: Standard Disclaimers Apply::.__**

***

Its tearin' up my heart when I'm with you 

But when we are apart, I feel it too

And no matter what I do

I feel the pain

With or without you…

***

Another Wednesday afternoon has ended. As always, I can be seen in that familiar court, near the seaside —all too familiar… the things around, the scenery… the ambience, the weather which seems so perfect for everyone but not for me. And as always, as I try to open up my eyes for further details that I might be missing… I will always be seen with someone… so familiar. How can you be so near to me, yet so out of reach Maybe that's one of the many reasons why I always find sunny afternoons very inviting at first, and then… gloomy… blue. Because of one flick of emotion engulfing my heart… 

Our usual one-on-one ended. The same like yesterday, me… winning of course, 21-19. Not bad, actually you've improved a lot, and I'm ever so proud of you, y'know that? Of course you didn't. Pathetic me.

"Nice game, Rukawa-kun." I gave him my sincerest smile. Almost beating me… almost at my reach, yet…

A glare.

And he only gave me what he thinks I *truly* deserves… Why do I feel so happy and tormented when I'm with you… is it because, that no matter what I do—I don't… deserved someone like you…

You started walking towards the bench, and I could only looked on. Please don't go…not yet… But then, I don't have the right to stop your actions, have I? Who am I to you anyway… Silly me, I'm your greatest rival… I'm the hindrance to your dreams… 

I tried to take a step but, why does it feel like a ball of chain has been attached right into both of my ankles?! Funny how it seems that the pain in my heart has also been affecting each and every part of my body…

I can't walk. It's so easy to be *near* you… yet so hard to be *with* you… 

"Rukawa-kun…" 

Shit. You're leaving me here again, like what you did yesterday, and last Tuesday… and oh, last Monday too. …wait, we did play last Sunday as well and I was… left alone… again, for the what time already, Rukawa-kun? I can't seem to remember. My memory sucks. Or is it because, I just don't want… to remember.

You turned to look on me—that same expressionless face. Can't you just show a bit of your emotions… 'Oi, I. Am. Here. Can you see me?' Of course you can… but it seems you don't…

***

Baby I don't understand Just why cant we be lovers 

***

"Im going home…" 

At last, you said something. Gods, the silence is so deafening, ne?! I swear I could here my own heart beating different beats… emotions, or whatever I have whenever I'm with you… Always beating… for you

As always… Your same line, Akira…

"Uh… sure…" 

I smiled. A fake smile… again and have I told you that its freaking hard to fake a smile? For how could I sincerely smile when you're about to leave one pathetic soul out in the open once again, for how could I sincerely smile when at one moment, you made me happy and now… you're going to take that back again. Just because you're *leaving*

Since when did I start feeling this way? Crap… can't remember again- Could you help me remember, Rukawa-kun… could you… please?  but hey, oh wait… yes, must be that day, huh?! Remember that day, well I do… I *always* do remember that day… that day when our teams first faced each other- how could I forget! Don't you know that that day was the happiest day of my entire life?! Of course… you didn't

Aren't you even going to ask why?

I could only looked at your retreating form. I wanted to run and hug you tightly from behind. I wanted to stop you from going home. I wanted to turn you around so that I could drown into your sapphire orbs. I wanted to delve my lips down to yours so that I could taste you… I wanted… gods… I wanted so… much

"Tomorrow again, Rukawa-kun? One-on-one… here…" Who am I talking to by the way, the wind? -- maybe Pathetic me.

Well, now that you're totally out of my sight… I'll tell you why…

Because, that was the very first time I felt what 'love' means… what true love means, that is… And you were the very first person who taught me how to love… unconditionally.

Now tell me, is it wrong to love? Is it wrong to love *you*

Why can't we be together? Is it because of those morality bullshits

You can't dictate your heart who to love, right? I certainly did not. It just… chose you

***

Things are getting out of hand

Trying too much

But baby we can win 

Let it go

If you want me girl

Let me know

I am down on my knees

I can't take it anymore

***

Thursday. 

Damn, school can really be a pain in the head. But hey, it didn't bother me that much … because, amidst this tormenting day… a new feeling will once again soothe my soul. Yes, and I just cant wait for dismissal time…Please, enough with this history class…

At last, my prayers have been heard! How happy I am. I hurriedly stuffed my notebooks and books into my bag and went out of the classroom. But damn, there are too many people blocking my precious way- fans, school papers' columnist wanting to interview me, girls… Onegai, let me passed… please…

As I tried to squeeze my way out of the mob, I thought I was lucky enough to be 'saved' by my best bud.

"Oi, Akira!" 

Thank god, you're here Kosh! I hurriedly went over him and asked him what's up only to later on find out some bad news.

"Hey Kosh, nice for you to butt in- what?"

"Akira, Coach Taoka said that we'll be having a practice today- he'll be dismissing us late because we're not going to have practice next week."

I could only stare at my friend in disbelief. No… not now… not certainly now I needed to be in that court before 4:30! He'll be there, I just know… I felt a rage of emotions surging inside of me- twirling endlessly. I can't be late on our meeting! I don't want to attend this sickening practice

"Kosh… I… I cant…" Make a lie, Akira- just… gods, just invent something! You know he's more important to you than any other practice sessions you have! 

"What? Why… Coach Taoka will surely-?!"

I cut him in the middle of his sentence and pleaded. Sure, make way for the greatest 'actor'- Sendoh. Akira. Me. Lovestruck. Fool. Pathetic.

"Onegai, Kosh… I can't attend now… I promise to practice next week- and even if we don't have a scheduled one, I'll call coach and asked him to watch over me- just not *now*! Please Kosh, tell him that I'm not feeling well…" You have to help me… the pain in my heart has been killing me everyday when I'm with him… and now, I cant seem to bear the thought of not seeing him… that'll be worst.

I left Kosh, left the school, took the back door of the building, and hurriedly left Ryonan district just to be with the man I loved. How could I endure this pain… for how long?

****

I was late. Please don't look at me like that, Rukawa-kun

I did my best to be on my time But of course, my best doesn't seem enough… It never was- for you

"Rukawa-kun!" I was running already, my bag trailing behind me like I'm some sort of a mad dog on the loose or whatever. People have been staring at me, but I don't care… I wouldn't care at all. Not when you're there… patiently waiting for this pathetic latecomer that was head-over-heels with you

You raised your pale arms and fire away a jump shot. It sailed perfectly and into the basket. Perfect… just like you

"That was (pant)… a… (pant) great shot! (pant)" And I gave him once again my warmest smile. 

You could only looked at me. Heh, you might be wondering why am I a bit deranged today. Please asked me why… Just this once… let me feel that you're also a bit concern to me… please Rukawa-kun…

You looked at me with the same deadpan expression that I have come to loved Was that a 'why' in your eyes- am I hallucinating?

The heavens must have heard my pathetic plea and if it weren't for my self-control, I swear- I could have jump and danced right then and there.

"Why are you late?"

It was more of a question than that of a 'What-happened-to-you'?, although I couldn't care less I don't care at all- you asked me anyways, and its just right that I provide you an answer 

Being the 'sheepish' type of guy I am, I could only scratched the back of my head while answering you.

"Eh, gomen ne Rukawa-kun… I was asked to do an errand in school- I just cant say no- I'm really sorry." A lie But then, I would always lie just to be with you. That's how much I care for you

"Hn"

"So… first to twenty-one again?"

A nod.

I felt like I'm in cloud nine once again. Awhile ago, I was immersed into so much pressure- the school, the practice, my jabbering coach, the lies that I have to construct- but then, all's worth everything-because you have become my *life*- which was my everything. And I loved my life so much that I will not be giving it up just like that

Our game ended. Gods that was a tiring game- are you thirsty? Here, I have a bottle of Gatorade- do you want to drink? Oh, you have your own bottle of water Better luck next time, Akira.

I watched you drink and I could only wonder in awe on how perfect you really are- not just because you are way too beautiful to be a guy, but because of the simplicity of your personality. Others might be considering you a bastard but, you were only showing them the real you, ne Rukawa-kun? You are not the type of person who will put up a fake façade just to have lots of people to be as your so-called 'friends'. You're just… you. And I liked that… I don't have to smile often just so I can show the others that I am that a *happy* person- but because, I know, with you… I can be *me*.

Oh! Im sorry, was I staring too much?! You caught me there- I could only grin in embarrassment. I hope I'm not blushing too much

"I thought you've gone home already, Rukawa-kun" I was afraid of that thought

"I waited…"

"Thanks for waiting…" Am I feeling 'hope' within me? Hope of what? That he might be feeling the same way like you do because he waited for forty-five minutes?

"It's nothing… besides, I practiced…"

"Yeah… you were good today, almost winning over, huh?" Yippee! Did you really mean that- that 'it was nothing'… that… that you'll always wait for me? Ba~kka Akira, don't hope too much… or you might be falling hard! He waited right, but… 

"Did you think of what might have happened to me along the way because I was late-?!" It was said in the barest of whispers. Kami-sama, what am I saying now… its so hard to control this feeling anymore… Rukawa-kun, if that 'waiting' meant anything… just a bit of anything- your slight sympathy, concern… or maybe… love for me as well… do tell me, onegai… I'm already down on my knees… if you need me… I need you *more*

"Hn?"

"Huh?! I..iie… it was nothing… I mean, thanks for waiting- really."

A shrug.

***

Its tearin' up my heart when I'm with you But when we are apart, I feel it too 

And no matter what I do

I feel the pain

With or without you…

***

You're walking towards the bench again. No… not this feeling of emptiness again. As always, I could *only* looked on. I wanted to tell you so much… I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs that I love you. I wanted for us to be together Forever But of course… you didn't know these… you don't know anything about all of these- you don't know that behind you, there's a lonely soul that has been craving for so much attention… that behind you, there's been a smile that has been wiped off the moment you turned your back on him Me.

Im so tormented, Rukawa-kun. I'm so full of aches already… I remembered a line from a certain song, 'tearing up my heart when I'm with you- but when we're apart, I feel it too…' and that is exactly what I have been feeling as of now… Right from this moment

"So… you're leaving already… again?"

You stopped from what you've been doing and set your eyes on me Can you see me

"Do you need anything?"

Gods! If only you know how much pain I've been feeling today. I wanted to come forward and just hit you in the face, but of course- if I'll be just hurting you- that'll be the last thing I want to do!

"Do you need anything?" Your question twirled in my mind like a rampant chaos. Do *I* need anything? It should have been, 'do you need someone?

I need you.

I need your *love*

I need my life.

And you are *my* life.

"Uh- well, could we… chat for awhile… I mean, if its not too late for you- y'know, just talk about… anything!" Talk about my unsaid emotions

"Sure"

I must have been the luckiest guy that time…

***

Baby don't misunderstand (don't misunderstand)

What I'm tryin' to tell you

***

We sat down on the bench. Silence ensuing between us. And once again, you are just there. So near yet… I can't seem to lay a finger on you I could only hear your faint breathing.

Its past six by now. The sun has almost come to its end. The sky was now filled with a play of different colors. Red, like fire… burning passion… Like my love for you Blue, like the sea- calm and peaceful The same feeling I have whenever I'm with you Yellow- like the sun during day; spreading its light and warmth Like your presence- giving warmth to my heart Purple- royal and majestic Like you, yourself… simple yet grand in your own right Orange… a mixture of red and yellow My passion… your warmth

I must have been staring too much on you again- My breath must have been caught somewhere in between my lungs… You are beautiful… The way the light wind gently ruffles your soft black hair, how your pale skin seems to blend with the different colors of the setting sun- reflecting upon you- as you, yourself stare at the majestic view before us… how the color of your lips seems to be that of a cherry I wonder if they taste like cherries as well…

"What?" Was that annoyance in your voice I hope not…

"Eh? Ah… er, gomen ne Rukawa-kun… I mean, I…" 

"What…"

"Eh, the sunset is beautiful- right… that's what I wanted to say."

I lied. Again That is not really what I wanted to say as of the moment.

You only nodded… you might be feeling a bit speechless also because of the beauty before you.

I wanted to say… 

***

In the corner of my mind (corner of my mind)

Baby it feels like we're running out of time

Let it go

If you want me girl

Let me know

I am down on my knees

I can't take it anymore

***

I'm dying Rukawa-kun. This is even worse than an acquired disease. Loving can be sweet and painful at the same time. A taste of agony I cant take this anymore- all those sleepless nights, those tormenting dreams- I cant seem to hold onto these raging feelings I have for you. I swear, I will surely suffocate if these will keep up any longer.

But then, if I say it… I will only have to face yet, another taste of agony, am I? 

If I said 'I Love You', will you be giving those same words to me? Or will I have to suffer the wrath of rejection? No… I can't seem to take it if ever that will happen 

"Rukawa-kun, I would like to say something…"

You looked at me. "What?"

I love you… Time is running out for me… I'm afraid to lose you- I *dont* want to lose you…

"…you're a great player, you know…" Shit. Stop Akira-- that is not what you wanted to say! Oh no- he's confused! Stop hurting yourself, you moron!

"…?"

***__

Its tearin' up my heart when I'm with you 

But when we are apart, I feel it too

And no matter what I do

I feel the pain

With or without you…

***

Baka-baka-baka-baka-baka--- I am such a big 'assh*le!!!' But it is so hard- it feels like I have this huge lump in my throat- that I just cant seem to speak, to breathe, to open my mouth, to say something, to say what I *truly* feel… to… say…

And it always ends up on me, wanting to say the three words Ive kept for so long…

I love you Damn you… say it Akira. Help me, voice!

"…I mean, I've heard of your plan to go to America." Don't leave me… please 

"Yeah…"

I love you Dammit Rukawa-kun… just read my mind if you could! Onegai…

"It's a great idea, actually… I know you could make it!" Ouch

"Maybe…"

I love you Help me… someone… let him know, please… how much I…

"Maybe? Why so, you're really good, y'know!" You amazed me so much

***

Tearin' up my heart and soul

We're apart I feel it too

And no matter what I do

I feel the pain

With or without you… 

***

I turned to looked at you and was a bit surprised to see you looking back at me Your eyes… Was that a feeling of uncertainty? Bitterness? Love perhaps? I just wished so…

"Rukawa-kun…" 

"…still have to beat you, Sendoh"

***

And no matter what I do

I feel the pain

With or without you…

***

I felt my heart shattered into a million pieces upon hearing the last statement that escaped from his mouth. Still, I smiled Although deep inside of me, I have been crying… my heart bleeds into its deepest sorrow- nipping the last flicker of hope within me. 

And as I tried to curve my lips into an upward smile, I could only wonder at the moment why the sudden loss of feeling the torments of pain have left me. I died the moment you said those words… 

I can't seem to breathe again.

"But of course… you're not going there without beating me first, ne?"

He nodded. And in his eyes… I saw a different twirl of emotions. And in my eyes… pain has been etched deeply 

Rukawa-kun, did you see the pain in my eyes? 

Gods, don't make me cry here… I need to be strong… even for the last time

Today, you gave me my happiness… You stayed for awhile, suddenly I'm not feeling empty anymore

Yet, today was also the day you took it away from me, without you knowing it… Suddenly, I think I'm emptier more than ever…

~**owari~ ::7-28-03::**

A/N: Aacckk! I hate myself! This is so… *sniffs, cries an ocean* SAD!!! ~__~ *bangs head on the monitor* But then, I told you I'll make it angsty, right?! Arghh *ruffles own hair* Phew- my first 'angst' fic! Uhm, as always- please don't kill me, ne? Just R&R, onegai?! And well, maybe- just maybe… I'm not promising anything- I'll try to make a sequel! That one will surely now be based on Rukawa's POV. Heheh, *cracks her knuckles* I'm sure to make Ru-chan pay for what he did to Sen-chan here! *evil cackle*

Rukawa: Hn, do'ahou!

Sendoh: Ack, onegai Ryuen-chan… don't make Kaede suffer…

Ryuen: Hah… 

Rukawa: *sarcastic* …and *I* was the one who wrote this crap!

Ryuen: *gulps* err… well… eheheh! ^_^

Rukawa: Hn! 

Sendoh: demo Kaede, you really broke my heart here… *puppy eyes*

Rukawa: …sorry *kisses Sen*

Sendoh: *blushes* ^_^ whoopeedoo! I love you a lot kae-chan! *hugs Ru*

Ryuen: ^-^ Aww, isn't that sweet!? 

Oh well, enough with that 'whatever' up there, ne?! As I was saying once again, please R&R okay? Be waiting for your comments! And yes, about that 'sequel' – there's a 60-40 chance on me, making it! It'll be just fair cuz we really need to 'know' what's been in Ru's mind- who knows, he might be suffering as well… *cries* Aww, another angst?! `~_~ Maybe… maybe not ^_^' Ow, one last thingy- uhm, do also tell me if the 'song' went with the story, honestly I woke up early the day after just to read it all over again before I post it in ff.net becuz I thought that the story didn't somewhat go with the song… and vice versa, but then, I think it wasn't that bad really! ^___^ Ja! Arigatou minna-san! *bows*

PS: Psst, y'might wanna try listening to the song [Tearin' Up My Heart] while reading this… ^_^ It felt kinda good, nice, and of course… painful!!! *points to Sen's state in the story* 

**2003::Ryuen::**

***

****


End file.
